talking with teens peace at home

Facebook LIVE: Depression and Anxiety in Children and Teens 7pm 12/30

Predictable days stabilize the lives of children and teens, but planning those days has been made more difficult for parents since the onset of the pandemic. Uncertainty, social isolation and parent distress all have on impact on the mental health of kids and teens. Join Peace At Home Parenting founder Ruth E. Freeman, LCSW and teachers Aaron Weintraub, MS and Denise Parent, LMFT and other concerned parents like yourself for a focused conversation to help you recognize symptoms and find solutions to address your child's emotional needs as well as your own.

View our last Facebook LIVE Panel event: Teens in Turbulent Times

Rewatch the FB Live Event – Meltdowns, Tantrums: Kids Simply Struggling to Behave

Watch our Facebook Live event when we talked about meltdowns, tantrums, and kids simply struggling to behave.

JoAnn Robinson, PhD, Peace At Home early childhood expert, parent and grandmother and Ruth Freeman, LCSW and Peace At Home Founder had a informational discussion on Emotional Meltdowns and Behavior Struggles in Young Children.

Fitness Doesn’t Have To Be Formal

For many of us parents, he daily to-do list is so long that some things are bound to go undone. The things that end up getting scratched from the list are often what we so desperately need for ourselves, for our own well-being. Talking to parents, especially those with young children at home, I find that one of the first things to get ignored from that ever-present list is fitness. 

There is just no time for yourself when you are doing everything for everyone else, and there is certainly not time for an hour or two at the gym, right? The truth is that while a 5k run or bootcamp classes certainly have their merit and value, fitness doesn’t always have to be structured or formal. There are many ways to include activity into your day on those days when spare minutes feel about as impossible as finding those matching baby socks. 

There is plenty of pressure to have the perfect workout or spend an hour on your Peleton, but reality is a different story. Sometimes all we can muster are 5 minutes at a time in between house chores, distance learning, and outdoor play time. Those 5 minutes at a time can add up throughout the day. If you allow yourself the grace to let your fitness get a little bit messy, a little bit chaotic sometimes, we can lift that stress that builds up around working out and help ourselves make the most out of the limited time we have. Let’s figure out how to fit fitness into your life without it becoming a burden. Here are some easy suggestions we can follow to help fitness turn more into self-care and less into an added stressor. 

Make moving the priority, not working out. 

The most important thing to remember about physical movement is that it is an essential part of self-care, even during the busiest of times. Note that I used the term physical movement here instead of fitness, because sometimes just moving is enough. Focusing on “moving” instead of “working out” can decrease the stress of it all just by a mindset change.  It can be a walk with the kids, running around in the yard with them for 10 minutes, or just staying on your feet and moving when at the playground, instead of sitting on a bench. (Of course, sometimes as parents, we do need that time to just sit on the bench too!). The point is, when life gets so hectic that the structured workouts simply aren’t going to happen, just finding ways to move must be a conscious decision. 

Small bursts add up. 

When it comes to fitness, it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. All of your physical activity doesn’t have to come at the same time in the day. Ideally get 30 minutes to yourself for some exercise, but we all know that that can’t happen every day. Intentionally taking 5 minutes, 5 times during the day adds up to 25 minutes of physical movement that you wouldn’t otherwise have had. And you truly can do a lot in 5 minutes. Try making yourself a plan at the beginning of each day. You can spend 5 minutes alternating between squats and lunges, another 5 minutes working on your core. 5 more doing some push ups and plank holds, and there you have 15 minutes of full body exercise. It’s not perfect, but it’s better than nothing. And some days that’s all we can hope for. 

Give yourself grace. 

It is so easy to get caught up in the mindset that you have to have the best work out every time you exercise. But life often has other plans, especially for parents of young children. I often don’t even have time to change into workout clothes, let alone plan and execute a killer fitness session. But forgiving myself for that is a huge part of being successful with fitness in this crazy season of life. If you get one or two quality workouts per week and the rest have to be “on the fly”, that is enough. 

Physical movement is a stress reliever. Its a gift to your kids and a great way to take care of your mind and your body in one shot. The key is to find ways to keep it from being yet another stressor in your life. Let your toddler “lead” you in a workout, forget about the routines and just run like crazy around the backyard. Play leapfrog in the driveway or do sets of squats and lunges while your little one colors a picture. However you can fit it in, it’s the right way. Fitness doesn’t have to be formal to be physically and mentally beneficial. 

child-playing-laundry-basket-peace-at-home-parenting

Help Young Children Play on their Own

By Cora Megan, M.A.  and JoAnn Robinson, PhD   

Many parents are asking, “How am I supposed to homeschool my child AND work from home? I am not a teacher!” This can feel overwhelming and impossible. You are not alone.

It is important to start small and plan no more than one or two activities for your child per day. Use items that you can easily find around the house- don’t reinvent the wheel. Here are some ways to set you and your child up for success:

  • Organize your space to promote independent play. Remove hazards, and offer a variety of “open-ended” materials that your child can use independently. Cardboard boxes keep children of all ages engaged for long periods of time because they can be used in so many different ways. Use couch cushions for climbing or to build a fort. Offer buckets, Tupperware containers, or reusable shopping bags for filling up/dumping or transporting objects. You may be surprised at how simple activities like this keep your child occupied while promoting critical thinking and problem-solving skills.
  • Give your child an assignment or a task to accomplish. For example, ask them to go into the backyard and collect 5 acorns, 3 pebbles, and 1 twig. For toddlers, keep the tasks very simple, such as filling up a bag with stuffed animals. Encourage them to check in with you when they are finished. Together you can count how many are in the bag. Praise them for completing the assignment with high 5’s. Not only does this promote your child’s independence, but it also brings them back to connect with you – an important motivating factor!
  • Set up a “workspace” for your child next to where you are working. Use materials such as legos, train sets, coloring/activity books, or even sorting socks. If you set it up as a “job” for your child, they will feel like their work is important, just like yours! To encourage this independence for longer chunks of time, use a timer. Try 10 minutes of independent “work” to start and adjust as needed.
  • Be sure to praise your child when they complete a task or are behaving the way you would like them to behave. You will get MORE of the behavior that you praise. For example, “You are being so helpful by matching those socks.” or “You worked so hard to collect all of those trucks!” Talking about each truck is great to promote language development, too.
  • Finally, make it a priority! Being in nature for a hike or playing outdoors reduces stress, and the exposure to sunlight and exercise helps to improve sleep therefore strengthening our immune systems.  Find 20 minutes every day, even during a light rain shower, to be outside with your children.  Stomp in the puddles together.  Sing a song while you walk.  Make some positive memories in the stressful time.

This is a challenging period for everyone, so be kind to yourself and to your child. The more practice your child gets being independent, the easier this will become.

Check out on-demand recorded class: Working from Home: How Can I Help My Young Child Play More on Their Own?

toddler screams

Help! My Toddler is Screaming a Lot! by Cora Megan, MA

Toddlers are impulsive and have a hard time stopping themselves from doing things that:

  • Feel good (yup, screaming feels good to little ones)
  • Worked in the past (chances are that every time your toddler screams someone looks at them or reacts in some way – kids are built to seek your attention)

Learning to do something different, like use their words, takes patience, practice and repetition. Here are some effective strategies to use when your child screams:

  • Remain non-reactive and matter-of -act. (Yes, this is challenging. You have mirror neurons in your brain and when your child gets aggressive, your brain wants to do the same thing. You’ll need some tools to be able to calm your own brain.)
  • Say in a really calm voice, “You are having trouble getting your socks on” or “You really don’t want your diaper changed right now.”

This approach gives your child words to what they are feeling and trying to express, but doesn’t really pay any attention to the screaming.

Usually after you narrate what they are thinking/feeling, children stop the screaming and may give you some sort of affirmative sign. Then you can offer another option in a positive, expressive voice:

  • “Instead of screaming you can say, Help me please or I need space!”

Your child may not be able to say those words right away, but the more you respond in a calm, matter-of-fact way with minimal emotion, offering a different method of communication, the more likely your child will catch on.

Learning to be your child’s calm center is a gift that will strengthen their well-being and your relationship for a lifetime.

For more strategies to help young children cooperate, check out our Flash Class called “Positive Discipline for Toddlers and Preschoolers.”  If you are having persistent struggles with your young child, email us at info@peaceathomeparenting.com to arrange a private consultation with our early childhood experts. 

How do I talk to my child about vaping? by Heather Kobylinski, MA, SAC

E-cigarettes and vaping devices are the most recent fad among teens, leaving parents anxious and sometimes paralyzed with fear. This smokeless, odorless and innocuous device makes detection difficult and easily hidden. Every day, over 3,500 youths start vaping. Whether your child is using or not, you can be sure that they are exposed. The importance of making an informed decision is the first line of defence in prevention.

What exactly is Vaping?

Water vapor is emitted from the device instead of smoke. A small heating element turns the liquid into a vapor that is inhaled through a mouthpiece. This vapor is primarily odorless and difficult to detect. Each device requires “pods” that contain nicotine.  Nicotine is the addictive substance found in cigarettes and deemed “safe” by kids because of the absences of tar and ash found in tobacco products. Besides nicotine, these devices can contain harmful ingredients, including: ultra fine particles that can be inhaled deep into the lungs, flavors such as diacetyl, a chemical linked to serious lung disease, and volatile organic compounds. These “pods” are often sold in 6 packs and are marked with flavors that appeal to kids. Depending on how much you vape daily this habit can cost anywhere from $387 to $5000 per year. Products can be easily purchased on line as verified proof of age is not needed.

What’s the problem?

We know that adolescents' brains are under re-construction. Those regions in the brain that guide decision making and impulse control are still developing and not always online. The teen brain also inspires risk taking in ways that can impact health and safety. The long term effects of exposure to nicotine can include addiction, mood disorders, and permanently reduced impulse control. Nicotine can also affect the formation of brain synapses that control attention and learning.

Tips for talking to your kids about vaping

Keep the following in mind.

  1. Take time to cool off. Engaging in an angry and emotion filled discussion that is a result of a recent discovery or suspicion of your child's use, is counter productive. Step away and collect your thoughts. Avoid accusations, blame and name calling. Stick to the
    facts. For example:

    • I am deeply upset and worried about your use.
    • My main concern is your health and the addictive qualities of vaping.
    • We don’t support this and it will not be allowed in our home.
    • We will monitor your use and will look through your room and backpack as necessary to keep you safe until you can keep yourself safe.
  2. Take advantage of teachable moments. Let the news and current events open the dialog. If you have read an article or seen a program, share it with your child. Ask for their point of view on the issues. Make it more about a discussion than a lecture. The more your child knows and the more often you have open dialog about substances, the more likely these conversations will become routine for everyone in the family that it is safe to voice opinions, concerns and questions.
  3. Stick to the facts. This is important. Avoid judgement about smoking. Teens are already self- conscious and can often feel insecure during this complicated developmental stage. Judging choices made by your child or their friends will close the door to future conversations. Avoid put-downs and criticisms. Using “I Statements” will keep the discussion focused on your feelings about an issue rather than blaming or shaming someone for theirs. For example:
    • I am concerned about the health effects related to vaping. From what I have read there are many chemicals and their danger that have yet to be determined. What do you think about this?
    • I have noticed many ads and discussions about vaping and the unknown side effects. What have you heard?
    • Plan for this to be an ongoing conversation as it is not one that will result in a definitive solution.
  4. Make rules and expectations clear.  Just as you outline and discuss expectations regarding household chores and curfews, plan to be clear about rules and expectations about vaping and other substances. Communicate that you do not approve of use and your related concerns. Make the consequences meaningful and appropriate for the infraction. In addition, transparency about how you will enforce house rules is important. Be honest about how or if you will exercise your right to search their room or backpack as well as other items brought into your home.
  5. Get an expert involved. Asking your pediatrician or school counselor to speak to your child may be better received and will support and reinforce your messaging and guidance. Assure your child that this discussion will be confidential and not shared outside of the office. There are also many reliable government and professionally curated websites that can shed light on the evolving research.
  6. Allow for the natural consequences. Learning from the natural consequences their actions can increase teens’ sense of responsibility. Making excuses or interfering with consequences does not help your children in any way. Failure or disappointment at this age as it can prove to be the most impactful lesson and save more harsh consequences later in their young adult life.Keep in mind:
    • You know your child best. Educate yourself and use your best judgement when addressing vaping or other substance use with your child.
    • Stick to the facts and reserve judgement.
    • Make your expectations of family rules and consequences clear.
    • Reach out for help for yourself or your child.
    • Allow for natural consequences.

Parenting can be challenging and there are no perfect ways to meet your child’s needs. Open communication with your children and the parents of their friends, if possible, can facilitate ongoing education and discussions as well as promoting a unified front.

For more information:

If you are feeling concerned about your child’s involvement with vaping or other substances, please email us at info@peaceathomeparenting.com to arrange a private coaching session with a Peace At Home expert.

Childcare Centers are Opening Back Up: How to Help Your Child Get Ready

by Cora Megan, MA 

After nearly four months at home and limited interaction with the outside world, your child will likely protest separating from you on their first days back. This is normal and a healthy expression of their feelings.

For young children, separating from a loved one is considered a healthy stressor, not a traumatic one. We know that children are resilient to most stressors and that they look to adults about how to feel. That means that if you are feeling stressed about the separation, they are going to sense that stress and their own stress level will increase.

Prior to the first day, take note of how you are feeling.

  • What are you most worried about? Take steps to cope with those feelings, away from your child. Talk with loved ones and your provider. Gather information.
  • Remind yourself that they are being left in loving and capable hands with people you have chosen to care for your child.
  • Check in with your childcare center to learn about the precautions they are taking to lower the risk of spreading the virus.
  • It's OK for your child to feel sad or angry or frustrated. You may want to talk with your center’s teachers to learn exactly how they will help your child manage those emotions.

Early childhood professionals recommend best practices to look for in your providers’ responses to young children’s strong emotions. These age appropriate approaches are helpful when used by both parents and providers:

  • Validate the feelings: You're really upset. You don't want your dad to leave.
  • Empathize: You spent a lot of time at home with your family. You love your family so much.
  • Let the feelings be, without trying to change them.

Typically, these feelings pass rather quickly. Your child will see something or someone interesting or exciting and want to play. You may ask your childcare provider to keep you in the loop and plan a practical way they can let you know when the child has
recovered.

When a child is upset during a separation, it's natural to want to comfort them or postpone the inevitable. This tends to be counterproductive. Young children are more successful at separating when the process is short and sweet. We encourage you to prepare your child for their new drop off routine in the days leading up to their return to school. Here are some examples of language you might use:

  • When we get to school, your teachers and classmates will be playing outside.
  • Then we will walk to the gate where you will have your temperature taken.
  • After your temperature is taken, I will give you a hug and say, “See you later! I love you!”
  • Then I will go home to work. I will pick you up after PM snack.

The past several months have been different for all of us, and children are no exception. The good news is that children are more capable than we sometimes recognize and you have the power to prepare your child in ways that will ease the transition.

If you are feeling concerned about returning to your childcare program, please email us at info@peaceathomeparenting.com to arrange a private coaching session with a Peace At Home early childhood expert.

You may also want to watch the following on-demand classes:

Cora Megan, MA is an early childhood specialist and parent educator who has worked with infants, toddlers, preschoolers, and their families for over a decade. She is currently the director of The Nest Shoreline Campus, an early learning center located in Branford, CT. Cora is a trained Circle of Security Facilitator, a member of the Connecticut Association of Infant Mental Health and teaches Early Childhood Development at the University of Connecticut." After that where it says to email us to set up a coaching session, please say: "If you are feeling concerned about returning to your childcare program, please email us at info@peaceathomeparenting.com to arrange a private coaching session with Cora or another Peace At Home early childhood expert.

teeth brushing routine

How to Create a New Family Routine while Kids are Home from School 

No one can say how long we will be living in isolation. We don’t know if kids will be home from school for a month or if they will end up being home through the summer. What we do know is that children thrive on consistency. Consistent routines lead to more cooperation from kids. More cooperation from kids leads to more productivity for everyone. 

To make this time easier for the whole family, create a new schedule and do your best to stick to it. Consider the following as you create a new family routine:

 

  • Communicate Your Plan
    Talk to your partner or other caregivers about how you want to create a new family routine while your kids are home from school. Discuss your individual needs and the needs of your children. Then hold a family meeting and communicate your plans with the kids. Let them know that you’re all in this together – you’re all adjusting to a new way of living for a while. Share what you would like your days to look like and ask if they have any thoughts or feelings they would like to share. Listen to their ideas and concerns.
  • Start Your Workday Early
    Get up at 3:00, 4:00, or 5:00 am, pour a cup of coffee, and start your workday before the kids wake up. Try to get your most important work done first. You’ll be happy to have finished pressing tasks by the time your kids start their day.
  • Wake Kids at the Same Time Every Day
    Let kids sleep in until a set time (8:00 or 9:00 am). Consistency is essential for young children and maintaining a sleep schedule is important for everyone. Dr. Lynelle Schneeberg, author of Become Your Child’s Sleep Coach: The Bedtime Doctor’s 5-Step Guide, is offering a free, online class about best sleep practices for school-age children. To sign up for her class, click here and look for Be Your Child’s Sleep Coach: Help Your Child Become a Great Sleeper.
  • Set the Tone for the Day
    With young children, set a playful tone for the day by doing some pretend. Ask your child:  “Who do you want to be today? Bobby Bear? Or Little Mouse? Who should I be today?  Daddy Bear? Or Poppa Mouse?” After breakfast, take 2-5 minutes to do some yoga and stretching together. Praise your young child’s participation using their pretend character. These moments of mindfulness will help you refuel and can set the tone for a calm start of your schedule. We recommend this guided yoga activity for kids on Spotify: Kira Willey – Dance for the Sun.
  • Set Goals for the Day
    After breakfast, talk about what each person in the family hopes to get done today. You can include something for school/work and something fun – connecting with a friend, finishing a puzzle, reaching a certain level on a video game, etc. Write down the goals and see what got done at the end of the day. If all the goals weren’t met, discuss what will help kids meet their goals tomorrow.
  • Make Challenging Routines More Enjoyable
    If waking up is tough, make it more enjoyable by smiling and cuddling for a few minutes. While getting dressed or preparing breakfast, you might try incorporating a song that suits your child’s morning energy – it could be rousing or soothing. If brushing teeth is always a battle, try to make a game out of it.
  • Schedule in Connection & Fun
    We recommend spending 20 minutes of one-on-one time with kids every day to strengthen connection and decrease misbehavior. Some of children’s misbehaviors are bids for attention. If you fill your child’s “attention bank,” he will be less likely to beg for your attention later – and you will have an easier time sending him off to play alone while you get your work done. If you can’t do it every day, schedule one-on-one time whenever possible.

    In addition to family playtime, ask kids who they would like to play with or talk to this week. Then schedule virtual playdates and calls with relatives. Kids can play games like “Battleship” and “Guess Who” virtually if both parties have the game! Take advantage of the time that kids are entertained by someone else to get some of your own work done.

    Try to schedule connection and fun after chores and schoolwork as incentive to get those more challenging tasks done.
  • Encourage Independence
    Once kids understand how to do a routine with your guidance, they can master it and do more of it on their own. Lavish praise for what you liked. “I like that you put your socks on yourself!” Encouraging independence will take some pressure and responsibility off of you.
  • Anticipate Emotional Meltdowns
    Right now, many people are experiencing anxiety about the future as well as grief about all the things that will no longer happen this year. Your kids are no exception. Check in with them to ask how they feel about everything that’s happening right now and don’t be surprised if they burst into tears when you least expect it. Turn toward your kids’ emotional displays. Hold them, look them in the eyes, and listen to what they have to say. These meltdowns may come at inconvenient times, but do your best to respond with gentleness and compassion.
  • Schedule Self-Care
    You have a lot on your plate and it’s easy to forget to take care of yourself when worrying about your kids’ needs and your work to-do list. But if you’re caring for yourself, you’ll have more patience and energy for your work and family. Don’t feel guilty about scheduling a little me-time into your weeks – it will end up benefiting the whole family.

 

Remember, this is new territory for everyone. If you’re a month into isolation, you’re likely just beginning to establish a new “normal.” Don’t put too much pressure on yourself or your family to have it all figured out. Take it day by day and expect there to be some difficult times. For more support, check out our COVID-19 Parent Toolbox.