Dialogue from Peace at Home Parenting’s Private Facebook Page
We’re having some debate about self soothing. The doctor told us that our 4 month old son needs to learn how to self soothe in the night when he wakes up and be able to get himself back to sleep.
During the day, he sometimes cries when he is bored and wants to be held. Once we pick him up he is fine and just wants to laugh and play.
I have started swaddling him and putting him in his crib during the day when he won’t let us put him down. At which point he screams until someone picks him up.
Should we let him cry until he figures it out or should we pick him up? And how do you train a baby to self soothe to get themselves back to bed at night without practicing doing it during the day?
- Comment: My oldest will soon be 14. He was my Velcro child for the first four years of his life. We co slept with him and I had him in an ergo carrier as I needed my hands to get things done. He would nap on my back as I vacuumed (as a baby 6mnth – 2yr) or cooked dinner. He now of course sleeps in his own room and is very independent and self assured. I asked a mom who had kids that were already adults what to do. She said each child is different and if my child wants to be held then do so. That will give them the reassurance that they need to be able to separate and explore. Ironically my youngest had no interest in being held much after being an infant as he always wanted to keep up with his brother. He is now more ‘attached’ than when my oldest was the same age (elementary school age). Do what works for you and your child. As a side note skin to skin contact or holding your child/baby is great for helping them calm their nervous system down.
Someone once said to me in terms of parenting: the days can go by really slow but the years go by really fast.
- Comment: I would disagree with your doctor. 4 months is too early to expect self-soothing from all babies. Some may accomplish it but many will not. Brain science would highly recommend that you help your child soothe every time. As they grow, they may need you less and less but you don’t want their brain bathing in stress hormones from being left to cry. We tried crying it out as recommended to us for our now 19-year-old. It was stressful for all of us and not effective. Trust me, they will be in college before you know it! Give them all the love and nurturing while you can even though you are exhausted! Best wishes!
- Comment: They are only a baby once. Pick him up, love on him. That’s what he needs, and that’s what will make him feel stable and grow up knowing he is protected and loved. Our son is almost 14, our daughter is 2. Both kids got snuggles and picked up when they needed it. Every time. The 14 year old is a troubled sleeper, always has been. The 2 year old is independent and knows we will always come for her so we have no issues with bed time anymore. She lays right down and she’s out all night.
- Comment: Agree with all the above. Pick him up. Enjoy. There only little for so long. Trust your instincts.
- Comment: Personally, at four months, I feel they need the contact. We started working on self soothing when my babies were closer to eight months, it wasn’t easy! Snuggle then as much as you can, soon enough they’re in high school! Happy Parenting!
- Reply: us too 7-9 months is when we worked on this with our kiddos…and we now have an 8,5, and 2 y/o who are wonderful sleepers.
- Comment: I agree with everyone above—4 months is so young to expect self-soothing. Love on that baby! Having said this, you need to do what is best for your whole family— in other words if you need a moment, it is okay to sometimes let the little one cry. But I wouldn’t expect the baby to self soothe consistently at this age. Of course, all kids and parents are different— and thus what works for one parent-baby relationship— even in the same family—may not work for another. Hang in there! These baby days/ nights are hard but fleeting! And a key to enjoying them is not having unrealistic expectations for the baby or yourself.
Comment: JoAnn Robinson from Peace at Home Parenting: There is something magical that happens with many 4 month olds–they are becoming aware of their surroundings and want to be engaged in it. Their distance vision is improving and the world is now in focus and very interesting. Our daughter went through this…didn’t want to nap, wanted to be held and engaged. I just about lost it without those daytime naps. It lasted for a couple of months and then napping came back. The advice of your peers is good. Your doc is not entirely off-base, however. Your son may need more support to slow down and disengage from the ‘excitement’ of being awake. Help him get ready for sleep with darkened room, humming one song over and over or using a wave or rain sound maker. Use one consistent phrase that he will learn as a cue that you are leaving him. Try to have 10 days where his go-to-sleep times are not interrupted so that you can focus on the routine you want to create. He may no longer like swaddling. His arms and hands are gaining strength and purpose as his brain develops; some children cease to enjoy swaddling at this age. My children began using a pacifier at this age to help them self soothe, but our daughter especially, needed lots of time in the Snuggly carrier until she was 5-6 months old. Do children need to practice during the day what you want them to do at night? Not necessarily, although for moms who want to stop co-sleeping or having baby on them during all naps, I do recommend they practice during the day first. We’re here if you think you would like some individual coaching/support through this phase.
- Comment: Here’s a great article on the science of attachment parenting. Impact of attachment, temperament and parenting on human development
- Comment: Oddly enough, it helps with naps or bedtime if you put them down before they are cranky tired. Singing and connecting and touch in the crib make the crib a magical yummy space. I leave the room when she is happy and return to reconnect (but rarely pick her up at this point ). … Babies are building trust. She trusts that I have not left. Bit she has a happy, independent nature, and each child is unique.
- Parents are entirely responsible for when, where and what is served to children
- Children are entirely responsible for whether they eat and how much
This plan eliminates food battles and improves children’s natural abilities to notice when satisfied.
News 8 continuing our look at Positive Co-Parenting.
After Justin Michaels had gotten into a good co-parenting groove with his ex-wife, Chantel, he introduced her to his new girlfriend, Laurah.
“She was in nursing school at that point, and I’m a nurse, so we were talking about that,” remembers Laurah. “Chantel is one of the nicest humans ever, so, we got along from the start.”
Justin and Laurah got married, as did Chantel and Tyler. Suddenly, little Remi had a step-mom and a steo-dad added to the mix.
“The idea of the mother and the father and the nuclear family, that’s not the way kids are growing up now,” says Ruth Freeman, founder of Peace At Home Parenting Solutions.
She says “planning” can make co-parenting a whole lot easier.
Exchange conflict for compromise and communication
by Sarah Cody
View at https://www.wtnh.com/on-air/connecticut-families/positive-co-parenting-part-1-exchange-conflict-for-compromise-and-communication/1731905496
BURLINGTON, Conn. (WTNH) – Divorce is difficult. Oftentimes, mom and dad need to put aside contentious feelings to make sure their child still feels stable and secure. News 8’s Connecticut Families is taking a two part look at how to co-parent in a positive way.
“There were other times when she wasn’t too happy with me but was still a good co-parent,” says Justin Michaels, of Burlington.
He, and his ex-wife Chantel, divorced when their son, Remi, was a baby.
“It can be really stressful when you’re young, both in college,” says Justin. “We owned a home, had a newborn.”
Chantel adds: “It’s hard. You have this little human being that loves both of you very much and it was hard enough to be split and share my time.”
At first, co-parenting was difficult as Justin and Chantel figured out their new relationship. They worked hard – agreeing on one thing: the didn’t want Remi to feel like he was in the middle.
“I come from a split family, so, I knew exactly what I didn’t want to do,” says Justin.
“Particularly when there’s a romantic relationship that’s broken up, that child becomes a symbol of the loss, a symbol of a lot of things,” says Ruth Freeman, a licensed clinical social worker and founder of Peace at Home Parenting Solutions, a team of educators and child development specialists that offer online classes.
She says don’t make a child take sides.
Why not! What better gift than access to several varied parenting courses to help parents, teachers, daycare providers or anyone who has children in their daily lives. Starting on Black Friday thru Cyber Monday, Peace at Home Parenting is offering FREE access to their Online Course 5 Steps to Positive Discipline for Peace at Home in addition to 50% OFF their Annual Subscription. That means now thru December 31, 2019 you get all of our courses plus our Udemy class for only $33!
Yo crecí en Bogotá, Colombia y cuando mi hijo mayor tenía sólo tres años, me mudé a Storrs, CT para acompañar a mi esposo mientras él realizaba su doctorado en la Universidad de Connecticut. Mi esposo y yo siempre dimos mucha importancia a la educación y queríamos compartir ese valor con nuestro hijo y a la vez ser buenos padres. Al encontrarme en medio de una cultura muy diferente en los Estados Unidos, se me presentó la necesidad de mejorar mi inglés y las habilidades de crianza para mi hijo primogénito. ¡En un gran golpe de suerte, “Boom!” Encontré un volante que ofrecía clases de crianza para padres en inglés. ¿Puedes imaginar? Ese volante cambió mi vida para siempre. ¡Estaba emocionada de poder resolver ambos problemas simultáneamente! Y fue ese volante el que me permitió conocer a Joe y Ruth Freeman, educadores de padres, quienes han sido maestros importantes para nosotros y se hicieron amigos de toda la vida para mí y mi familia. Continue reading
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I didn’t know that I had to prepare myself for potty training!
I kept asking myself, how do I know when my toddler is ready to potty train? The question, I should have been asking is how do I know when my husband and I are ready to potty train our daughter (23 months old). I quickly found that success with potty training mostly depends on parents and caregivers and a 100% commitment to spending the time and sticking to your plan.
We are a busy working couple with demanding jobs. We have a nanny providing care. We really didn’t have a clue on how we to get started and whose responsibility it would be to help our daughter. Maybe our nanny would just handle it for us? Maybe should would just teach herself when she was ready? Ok, this is our responsibility as parents, so what do we do? When we saw Peace At Home Parenting’s Potty Coaching series, we felt that the small financial investment might yield some answers.
Here are some strategies that really helped us succeed at potty training with our two year old daughter. Of course, we also had the encouragement of the coaching group to help guide us! Continue reading
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When the weather takes a turn for the worse, children often turn to video games or television for their entertainment. Instead, take advantage of your kid being stuck inside to educate them with fun activities. Thanks to search engines and online platforms such as YouTube, there is a never-ending wealth of ideas to keep your child entertained while teaching them valuable academic and life lessons. Make their learning fun with some hands-on interactive education that your family can enjoy.
1. Get Out the Musical Instruments
According to Parents, learning an instrument can help improve children’s academic skills, develop their coordination and motor skills, refine their self-discipline and practice patience. There are numerous websites providing online music lessons for almost any instrument imaginable. You and your kid can even learn an instrument together, helping each other as you follow tutorials online.
2. Let Them Stretch Their Artistic Muscles
Kids love to draw and craft. These artistic activities let them work with their hands, express themselves, and explore their imagination. Luckily, there is no shortage of fun DIY ideas online to get your kid involved in art. You can even look up some drawing tutorials for kids to help them hone their fine motor skills. Also, painting videos for kids can teach them about color mixing and palettes.
3. Get Them Moving
Keeping kids active will improve their academic performance, cognitive abilities, and help them keep a positive attitude. When it’s raining, try out one of the fun indoor activities suggested by Today’s Parent. Or, look up some kid-friendly exercise videos on YouTube. Kids love dancing, yoga, and bouncing around as they follow the instructor in a fun exercise video. Continue reading
- Reduce Family Stress
- Get Kids to Listen and Cooperate
- Build Strong Connections
- Without Raising Your Voice!
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Sign up for one or all of these classes to Get Ready for Summer
Understand Feelings: Raise Caring Kids 12 noon, Thursday, May 31st
- Are you sometimes overwhelmed by your child’s emotions?
- Does your child have trouble verbalizing his feelings?
- Do her displays of emotion seem like misbehavior sometimes?
A better relationship with your child starts with emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence is associated with stronger self-worth, more cooperation, better communication skills, stronger parent-child connection and less family conflict. Learn tools to strengthen your own emotional intelligence and that of your children.
Positive Discipline that Works 8:15 PM, Monday, June 11th
- Is your child spending too much time in “time out?”
- Are you concerned you are too strict or too easy?
- Do you sometimes this there must be a better way?
You are not alone. Parents report they want to stop yelling and stop giving in. This live online class will provide simple steps to discipline that works. Win more cooperation and strengthen your child’s self-worth.
Routines, Chores & Family Meetings 8:15 PM, Monday, June 18th
- Morning routine drive you a little crazy?
- Trash only gets taken out after a zillion reminders?
- Worried that summer will just increase your stress?
Parents who spend time nagging, complaining and punishing tend to have less time to meaningfully connect with their children. Consider Family Meetings and other practical ways to create smoother family routines and support children to be responsible. Plan your summer routine as a family. More connection and more fun!
ALL CLASSES INCLUDE ONGOING SUPPORT: You can get questions answered immediately during live classes. After class, participants are invited to join a private Facebook group to connect with other parents working on similar issues. Teachers are available to comment and answer questions. You will also receive a recording of the class to listen to again and with others.
By Joe L. Freeman, LCSW.
Parents often ask how to make kids listen and follow directions, how to stop yelling and nagging, and how to teach children respect. The truth is, the way parents speak impacts children’s ability to listen. Here are seven tips to help you get kids to listen without yelling. Continue reading